Video games have become a big part of my life.
They have given me fun, adventure, and a sense of belonging, but also a sense of loathing, sadness, and being completely lonely.
I don't enjoy playing video games, and I find them a pretty disgusting, disgusting, disgusting waste of time.
First, my love of books:
When I was a young child, I spent many hours in the library, reading book after book after book.
I didn't even like reading on an intellectual level. I just loved sitting in that big chair with a few hundred other people, all reading their books.
I felt so privileged and so happy. I felt connected to the entire world. I had discovered magic.
After a while, though, the library wasn't enough. My aunt convinced me to try new ones, and I learned how to read.
But the library wasn't the same. The books I read now weren't as deep, weren't as intelligent, weren't as good.
Now, I needed an escape. I needed something to quiet the voices in my head and to let me enjoy life.
I learned to take walks and talk to strangers. I learned to talk to trees and the wind. I learned to hold hands and to feel alive.
I also learned to look out for patterns in the world. I recognized when things were falling apart when the world was supposed to fall apart.
Then I learned how to make a world fall apart. I made a world where only anger and hatred lived.
I made a world full of death and violence. I made a world where people were oppressed, beaten, and killed.
I felt power. I felt invigorated. I felt connected to everything.
I was disconnected from the world, but I was connected to everything.
Then, once I was older, I began to spend more and more time on the internet
This was what I needed to reconnect with the real world. I spent time learning and reading and connecting.
I also spent a lot of time building elaborate worlds, where the people living there lived much, much better lives than the people in the real world did.
But something was different. The real world was connecting, too.
People were connecting. As I spent more and more time connecting to the world around me, I lost my connections with the world around me.
The world became disconnected from me. These days, there's nothing else I'm connected to.
When I go for walks, people say nothing to me. I feel isolated and alone.
When I talk to people, I'm made to feel like I'm imposing. I've learned that saying the wrong thing can make someone come off as annoying or aggressive.
I don't like to be rude, and I hate feeling rude, so I try to say the right thing, even if it's just to be polite, but all I feel is judgment.
My social circle is shrinking
I'm now among the so-called outcasts, with everyone staring at their phones. There's nothing to do with my phone.
I was happy spending hours on my laptop, chatting to the people I know online, but now I spend most of my time on my phone. All I have to do now is look at someone, and it's like I'm being screamed at.
When I'm alone, I find it hard to cope with being alone, but when I'm not alone, I feel trapped in my own mind.
I feel alone, but I feel worse for it. I miss the people I've known for a long time, and I miss my old friends from university.
But I can't find them anymore. I can't even remember their names.
Now that I'm older, I feel trapped in a life where I'm no longer one of the people, where everyone has moved on to bigger and better things, leaving me behind.
I feel powerless. I feel alone.
My walls are up, and I'm no longer interested in sharing my thoughts. All I can think of are ways to get away from my boring life, to live someplace else.
I know I'll probably find something I'll like better in a few years, but for now, I'm having trouble enjoying life.
But it's not all bad. There are still things to love.
I love the sun, the rain, the moon, the grass, the trees. I love to travel.
I love the rainforest, the mountains, the earth. I love the sea. I love birds and trees.
I can appreciate the beauty of nature and the things in nature, even though I'm not in nature.
I can find beauty in the pain of others. I can see the pain in people, and then I can move on and think of the things I love.
I'm not dead yet, but I don't know what to do with myself.
Maybe I'm just one of those people that's been going in circles for a long time, in a state of persistent unhappiness and feelings of emptiness.
Maybe I should move on, start something new, try something new.
Maybe I should just stop.